Hopeless as I feel, death is something that still confuses me. Sometimes I really feel that being so empty, I probably would not last too long. I feel like I am 60 years old, so hopeless, so pointless, while everyone around me is bustling with life. If I do really live to be that old, maybe I will find some answers, some peace and not feel like this anymore, but there is a possibility that the emptiness will actually become real, rather than the speculation that it is now. I am afraid to even imagine the kind of pain that would hold, if only thinking about it hurts so bad.
But the thought of dying early makes me so sad when I think about all that I stand to lose, all the beauty that is there in the world, so many places to see, all the times that you really feel happy and free and there is love and kindness... and so much, so much that I can't bear to lose just yet. I don't know if I will ever be ready.