There are days which are bearable, some days which you could even call "good". Then there are days like this, full of nothing but an overwhelming existential crisis. I wonder if anyone else feels this way at all? You wake up in the morning, it's a Sunday, the weather is nice, the sun in bright. You have your breakfast and think you will read for a while. You get into bed and then there it is suddenly. Waves of lethargy, your whole body hurts, it hurts so much that you start thinking of dying, how good it would be to not feel this pain anymore.
I have nothing that I can use to justify my existence. The only thing that keeps me from taking that final step is thinking about my parents... these people that I can't live with anymore, but I can't bear to hurt either. I was always unfit to exist but somehow I tried to cope with the world around me, worked hard and tried to make something of myself, gave my heart and soul to another human in trying to make sense of this existence. Yet the best laid plans blow up on your face.
My hopeful friend tells me I must have made some mistake somewhere. Something I didn't do, somewhere that I didn't put in my best. Sure, I wasn't perfect. But I had my heart broken, and all my efforts,trampled underfoot just because I have bad luck, because I was doomed to fail.If luck is on your side, you will get things done and have things work out your way without even trying and is luck isn't working for you, you can try try and try and all you will do is fail fail and fail.
These last couple of years have made me so confused and even more weary of the world than I have even been. How does it happen that one has accident after accident and then one failure after another? I was never the superstitious kind but these years have made me feel that there are so many things beyond our control that trying and making an effort doesn't even matter.
All I want to do now, if I have to be alive is escape. Escape form all the demands and expectations of this world to a place where life is simple and simple efforts lead to simple results that are sufficient to keep you going. I don't have hope any more. Out of all the demons that came out of the box that Pandora made the mistake of opening the final and most dangerous one was hope. It comes disguised as something wonderful, a light in the times of darkness, but for the ones whose luck has run our, hope is just a monster that leads you down paths that will crush the last bits of joy you have left in your soul. You will hope that days will get better and you will only find yourself sinking further and further down to depths you could not even imagine.
I was probably destined for this fate, that girl with so much promise and such a spark grew up to be mediocre and a loser in love and life. Maybe there is a lesson in there, some sort of wisdom you can gain. But I just don't see the point anymore.
I have nothing that I can use to justify my existence. The only thing that keeps me from taking that final step is thinking about my parents... these people that I can't live with anymore, but I can't bear to hurt either. I was always unfit to exist but somehow I tried to cope with the world around me, worked hard and tried to make something of myself, gave my heart and soul to another human in trying to make sense of this existence. Yet the best laid plans blow up on your face.
My hopeful friend tells me I must have made some mistake somewhere. Something I didn't do, somewhere that I didn't put in my best. Sure, I wasn't perfect. But I had my heart broken, and all my efforts,trampled underfoot just because I have bad luck, because I was doomed to fail.If luck is on your side, you will get things done and have things work out your way without even trying and is luck isn't working for you, you can try try and try and all you will do is fail fail and fail.
These last couple of years have made me so confused and even more weary of the world than I have even been. How does it happen that one has accident after accident and then one failure after another? I was never the superstitious kind but these years have made me feel that there are so many things beyond our control that trying and making an effort doesn't even matter.
All I want to do now, if I have to be alive is escape. Escape form all the demands and expectations of this world to a place where life is simple and simple efforts lead to simple results that are sufficient to keep you going. I don't have hope any more. Out of all the demons that came out of the box that Pandora made the mistake of opening the final and most dangerous one was hope. It comes disguised as something wonderful, a light in the times of darkness, but for the ones whose luck has run our, hope is just a monster that leads you down paths that will crush the last bits of joy you have left in your soul. You will hope that days will get better and you will only find yourself sinking further and further down to depths you could not even imagine.
I was probably destined for this fate, that girl with so much promise and such a spark grew up to be mediocre and a loser in love and life. Maybe there is a lesson in there, some sort of wisdom you can gain. But I just don't see the point anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment